i couldn't make this up if i tried

a little background:

mike and i have a new apartment, and have begun the painting process. i picked out a shade of white, basically, that is really not what i expected. so, i called sears to see if they can add anything to it to make another color. i talked to a guy named jason who said he would be there for the rest of the night. awesome.

i walked into sears this afternoon, and located the lone salesman in the paint department.

me: hi! are you jason?!

he turned around, and in front of me was napoleon dynamite. seriously. give or take about 20 pounds. a curly bush on top of his head, giant glasses, and an overbite that made me shudder. and the. same. voice.

jason dynamite: (as he looked down at his name tag) i guess.

me: great! i talked to you about possibly changing the shade of paint i bought.

jd: oh yeah. why don't you just give it to your boyfriend.

me: well, 'cause he doesn't need two gallons of white paint.

jd: oh. well, it depends on the shade of paint you want, and whether or not color needs to be added or subtracted. if it has to be added, yes. if it has to be subtracted, no. because you can't subtract color.

me: gotcha. well, i need a gallon of this color, "home spun." can you make one of the gallons into that?

jd: i'm pretty sure i can.

me: it needs to be an exact match, jason, because it's a second coat.

jd: it will be pretty close.

me: ok, jason. i don't think i can bank on that. is it possible to return paint? if it won't get you in trouble i would love to do that and just start over.

jd: oh i won't get in trouble. i'm the section leader here. i'm not the manager or anything, so i can't make those kinds of decisions, but my manager does look to me to lead.

me: awesome. well, i would really like that.

jd: you know, you're really energetic. did you have your coffee today?

me: i'm more of a diet coke girl, myself ('cause i like the taste, not 'cause i need it.)

jd: that's ok. one of my friends drinks two 2 Liters of jolt every day.

me: wow

jd: yeah. well, that's also my friend that drinks hot sauce right out of the bottle.

me: crazy. so how 'bout that return?

jd: (looking a the receipt i produced) whoa, you bought a lot of stuff. new house?

me: yep.

jd: lucky.

me: (don't laugh, lisa, don't. laugh.)

jd: so are there wedding bells in your future?

me: actually, i just got married.

jd: oh.

at this point, jason started mixing one color up for me, while i left the spot to go to the next aisle to look at color swatches. all of a sudden, i hear...

jd: i was engaged... once.

me: (this is too good. must. keep talking.) oh really?! didn't work out?

jd: naw. she thought the world of me. but her grandma didn't like me very much.

me: ah. well, better to find these things out early.

i proceeded to pick out another color, and check out.

me: well, jason, you have neem a huge help! thank you so much, and have a great night!

jd: yeah, i'm gonna have some fun tonight. (beat. beat.) takin' care of grandma.